Keep Pressin' Ahead

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How to Know if You're in Love

Do you remember the first time it happened?  You caught one another’s eyes, and then you looked a second time. Something inside you wanted to glance a third time, followed by a fourth lingering look. You didn’t want to stare, but something irresistibly drew you to that other person.

When you were finally introduced, your palms were sweaty and you hoped no one noticed the increased perspiration under your arms. Your heart began to race as an exhilarating but unfamiliar feeling swept over you.

You were suddenly afraid to say anything because you knew that if you opened your mouth, out would flow incomprehensible babble. The experience was exciting and terrifying at the same time.

As the other person began to speak, you felt drawn like a magnet to a steel ingot. You didn’t know her or where she came from, but something about the way she looked and the aura that she projected triggered an unexplainable feeling of euphoria and excitement. Her smile or a tiny gesture became instantly engraved in your mind. You knew you would never forget her.

For an instant you wondered how you would describe this moment to a friend. Then a phrase came to mind, as if by magic, provided by countless hours of exposure to the Hollywood – “I think I’m falling in love.”

You’ve been there. I’ve been there. No doubt we all agree that those are thrilling moments, especially if we sense a similar response from the other person. But is it really love? How do you know whether what I just described is the beginning of the greatest relationship you will ever experience on earth or simply an episode of infatuation? How do you know if you’re really in love or simply attracted to a member of the opposite sex?

In this post I want to pass on a FREE message download that will help you understand if you are in love or if, in fact, you are experiencing what relational experts call infatuation.

 

If you’re single person, your eyes may be a little wider and your mind has kicked into overdrive. Imagine! Twelve legitimate tests that can help you discern if you’re really in love or not! Well, these are very good tests based out of Scripture and really do work. But these twelve tests are not just for single people who are dating or engaged. It will also help anyone not in a significant relationship learn what kind of person to pursue and whom to avoid.

If you’re married and you are tempted to say, “I’ve been married for twenty-seven years so what’s this got to do with me?” please think again. Our failure to understand the difference love and infatuation goes well beyond finding the right person. Unless you understand the radical difference between love and infatuation, you may set yourself up for devastation in your future years of marriage.

If you believe that what we call infatuation is the real test of love, you may be in a very good relationship but feel unloved. Your skewed expectations may be robbing you of rich, warm, and deep relationship.

Furthermore, if you are unclear about the difference between love and infatuation, you may find yourself getting unintentionally connected to a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse, naively concluding that you’ve now found “true love.”

So download this FREE message, “How to Know if You’re Love” taken from my series, Love, Sex &  Lasting Relationships. It’s for singles, those single again and married people too! Even if you’re a grandparent, this is an invaluable message to help you counsel your granddaughters and grandsons about how to wisely choose a mate with whom to build a lasting relationship!

Keep Pressin’ Ahead,
Chip

Are You a Turtle or a Shark?

Over the years, both in my marriage and in counseling with numerous couples, I have learned that most of us fall into two major categories; we are either turtles or sharks. When there is danger or conflict, turtles pull their heads into their shells, tuck in all their appendages and withdraw to a safe place. When a turtle feels threatened, the immediate response is to withdraw. This is what my wife did in the early years of our marriage. It made me absolutely crazy!

By contrast, sharks start circling their prey, looking for vulnerable areas to attack. A share feels the same insecurities and same wounds as the turtle, but to cover those feelings of fear, the shark turns instead to an “attack mode” to provide for himself or herself the same thing the turtle is seeking to achieve – protection.

So, how about you? Do you tend to be “turtle-like” or “shark-like” when conflict arises? Understanding our own “protection devices” is a very important first step toward the goal of resolving conflict in our marriage.

Let me give you a few scenarios that might help you examine whether you have more shark or turtle tendencies.

IF YOU'RE A TURTLE...

Turtles have very distinct ways of dealing with conflict, such as not speaking to their partner for hours, days or weeks. They withhold their affection. They avoid the situation by spending more time at work, or saturation their life with children and hobbies. They run home to mom, or take their hurts to a friend who will listen to their story and offer sympathy, but rarely will they deal with the problem head-on.

At times, they run to alcohol, drugs, pleasure seeking, or eating to sedate their pain. Whatever it is, they pull inside and say, “I’m not going to deal with this. This hurts too much and I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

IF YOU'RE A SHARK...

Sharks, on the other hand, tend to be verbal and want to attack. They use a variety of attack tactics, such as the following:

• The Mind Reading Game – “You only did that because you felt guilty”
• The Numbers Game – “I’m the only one trying I this relationship. I’ve done… and you never…”
• The Intellectual Manipulation Game – “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?” (This dismisses genuine emotional issues by intellectualizing them).
• The Power-Intimidation Game – Angry outbursts, screaming, door slamming, “will teach you not to cross me again.”
• The Atomic Bomb Game – “All right, let’s see how you feel when I divorce you!”
• The Labeling Humiliation Game – With arms crossed and sarcastic disdain, “You’re so stupid!” or “You’re pathetic!”

I’m sure it doesn’t take much of a reminder to see yourself in these turtle and shark scenarios; they are painful, unhealthy, and destructive attempts to resolve conflict. They don’t work! And you don’t have to be a shark or a turtle.

Your ability to work through conflict in a healthy manner WILL DETERMINE the degree of success and depth of intimacy in your marriage over the long haul.

 

Carefully read that above phrase again. What I am saying is this: turtle and shark techniques will simply not work. Two turtles can peacefully coexist until the marriage dries up from the inside out. Or two sharks can so attack one another,  that the wounds become so deep and the bleeding and pain become so overwhelming, that the love they once shared is eventually destroyed. Or, the combination of both behaviors can produce intermittent bouts of withdrawal and attack that drain the very life and intimacy out of the even the best marriages.

So… where do we go from here? How can you, regardless of your personality, perspective, background and inherent selfish tendencies, work together through conflict? Well, it’s not easy and there’s no magic formula, but I believe God has a very clear plan to help diffuse our conflict.

We have a free video session from our small group DVD series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, for you to watch and share with friends called, "Diffusing Conflict, Restoring Relationships." I hope this resource will help you take the next steps in diffusing conflict in not only your marriage but in all your relationships.

Keep Pressin' Ahead,

Chip

Conflict-Free Marriage? That Doesn't Exist.

I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t be happening to us. How could two people who love each other and love God feel so angry towards one another? We had only been married a few weeks and I found myself with feelings that were completely foreign to our relationship. As I walked out, I slammed the screen door in disgust! She was crying. I was mad. And I knew it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Welcome to Marriage 101! This was the first fight Theresa and I had in our early life together. I drove around for nearly two hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I naively assumed that couples who love God and loved each other wouldn’t have angry feelings and hurt one another this deeply. I was great mistaken and painfully disillusioned.

As we launch our new radio series today, “Broken Hearts, Broken Dreams,” I’d love to spend some time here on the blog to give you some simple (yes, simple – not always easy to implement, but simple), Biblical solutions for making your marriage the exception.

And why not talk about conflict? That’s where marriages start falling apart, right? When conflict occurs.

Before we get into the hands-on, practical aspects of making peace in our marriages, it is critical that we step back and get a broad understanding of relational conflict and its root causes. Often we assume something is very wrong simply because we have conflict in a meaningful relationship. But the truth is that great relationships are never “conflict free.” We need to understand conflict and its sources and learn how to handle it appropriately.

Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world.
The issue is not whether conflict is going to happen; the only issue is HOW we are going to deal with is. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble [emphasis added]. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

In the book, Leaders on Leadership, one author writes, “If death and taxes are the first two certainties of life, conflict is the third. Life requires conflict! It is an essential part of God’s redeeming plan. Through conflict we know our need, acknowledge our sin, recognize truth, and it is by conflict God tests our faith.”

Conflict isn’t bad; it’s inevitable in a fallen world.

 

What do you think? How have you grown up thinking about conflict? Is it a bad thing? Healthy thing? Is knowing that conflict isn’t bad, but inevitable a comforting thought? How does this make you think about any current unresolved conflict in your relationships?

Keep Pressin' Ahead,

Chip

 

Addressing the "N" Word

We recently aired a program that included the “N” word, attempting to illustrate how deceived we can be in our Christian life.  To say , in one breath, that I love God and in the next breath use the “N” word, of someone created in His image, is the height of hypocrisy. 

Unfortunately, the power of the word seemed to overshadow the point I was trying to make.  Below is an excerpt from an email I received from an African American brother in Christ, who lovingly reproved me and helped me understand the unintended, but nonetheless damaging, impact this program had on some listeners.

If you would like to learn how to speak the truth in love, the following email provides great guidelines:

Hi Chip,

My name is ____. I must admit, I have become a regular follower of your program. This past week, I was thoroughly shocked from one of your programs! You opened your program up indicating that what you were about to say, will be highly or extremely offensive. You were speaking about a Caucasian gentleman who was interviewing you on your teaching ministry, type of bible, and style of delivery method and so on. Then he received a phone call in the middle of your conversation with him. He took the call and began to blurt out some expletives that were racial slurs against blacks / African Americans. You mentioned it three (3) times.

 

I have some preachers say that sometimes it is good to shock the audience to get their attention, to show the seriousness of the matter and help the listener to gain understanding of the matter. But I believe you could have used the "N" word NOT the actual word. As an African American / black man, I believe the "N" word is inappropriate to use on the radio.

 

At my local flock, I teach my congregation NOT to use that word at all. They have never heard me use it because it is symbolic of degradation, lack, and negativity in our race. It is an insult, it symbolizes hatred, it defines a certain race of people as ones who are socially disadvantage, ones who are lazy, ones who are fools, and it serves as stigma of racial bigotry within our society. Chip, I would never list as you one.

 

I know that you DIDN'T use it to symbolize any of those mentioned above. I also know you DIDN'T say it to cause harm to any. I know that you have a desire to teach the truth in its purest form. I have listened to Living on the Edge for some time and I know that you have a sincere heart of God. I really enjoy your ministry. I believe you were just trying to teach, prove, and drive home a point. But I think we have to remember   1st Corinthians 6:12 (NASB) where it mentions that "all things that are lawful, but not all things are profitable".

 

That one word that you used three (3) times stuck more in my head than anything else you said in your sermonic message. I was in the car with my 15 month old son in who was in the back seat. I always tune to Moody radio because I believe it is the purest form of Christian radio. I encourage my membership to do the same.

 

I was spiritually stretched as I tried balancing whether to cease from ever listening to your program again or just sending you this message to inform you of the hurt that I felt to hear it on radio.

 

Paul also says in 1st Corinthians 8:8-13, are careful that you do NOT become a stumbling block to another brother. Paul also said that if what I do, would ever cause a stumbling block to you, I will never do it again. I pray that you will never say that "N" word again on the air. Because it is truly a stumbling block to me.

 

Please receive this word as a note of caution and a letter of love. Because of God's generous grace, you serve in such a privileged position to share God Word in its greatest fashion hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of listeners. Please be careful NOT to unintentionally hurt others who are still trying to overcome certain stigmas and words that have had crippling effects for centuries in their culture, families, generations and race. "We shall over come" is not just a song, it a journey for some of us to still believe that it will come "some day".

 

I pray that you will consider doing some spiritual damage control at the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Love you my brother. I will continue to listen to your ministry.

 

The following is my response to this dear brother:

Dear _______,

Thank you so much for your kind email and honest reproof.  I was not seeking to offend but demonstrate how deceived we can be in saying we love Christ in one sentence and then use the “N” word in the next.  It seems the strength and offensive history of the “N” word overshadowed my point.  I apologize and will edit it from future programs.  I’m very sorry. 

Thank you for your bold, loving correction,

Chip

To those of you who were offended but didn’t write me, I want to apologize and let you know I am grateful for the opportunity to set the matter right.

Thank you and keep pressin' ahead,

Chip