Finding Hope When You're in a Difficult Marriage

  “I simply can’t believe it! How can Theresa say she loves me, and treat me like this?”

Those were the feelings that ran through my mind multiple times a week in the first two years of our marriage. We didn’t know how to communicate, we didn’t know how to express anger, and we didn’t know how to get it resolved. I loved her with all my heart, and yet felt frustrated, hurt, and wounded a great deal of the time.

Some people have very few problems in their marriage; I just don’t know many of them. In my experience, marriage has been the most awesome relationship in my life, but also the most difficult.

One of my greatest problems has been expecting my wife to meet all the needs in my life. My expectations and unconscious demands have brought severe disappointment, and even anger. In a difficult marriage, the one thing I’ve learned is that I need to have God’s perspective of my mate, myself, and most of all, of Him. Until I recognize that God, and God alone, can meet my deepest needs, I am not in a position to be a giver to, and a lover of, my mate, and that’s the key to a great marriage.

Psalms 62:1-12

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down, this leaning wall, this tottering fence? They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse. Selah

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah

Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath. Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them. One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

 

1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

 

Ephesians 5:22-23

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

 

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

 

A Prayer for When You’re in a Difficult Marriage

“Father, help me to remember that You, and You alone, can satisfy the deepest needs of my heart. Grant me the grace to focus on me becoming the person You want me to become, rather than on the areas of my mate’s life that need to be improved. Oh God, so fill me with Your grace, and sense of Your unconditional love, that I can learn to be a “giver” in my marriage, rather than an “expecter.” Transform me, and give me endurance, even in the midst of my pain. Help me to stay true to You, and to the vow that I’ve made, in Christ’s name.”

Keep Pressin’ Ahead,

Chip

Comments

[looking for Godly advise]

Hello. My husband and I have a very difficult time in communicating in an form. We do not yell at each other and are not disrespectful with each other, but we do not talk much, because it always turns into something disapointing. I am very lonely for his time, communication, laughs and fun that he shows very well with others. We have been married for 20 years and have four children 2 of them are college age and 2 of them still in high school. So there is really no reason why we cannot make time for each other. There is no effort in that area to start with. I am just looking to resolve this issue of ours in a Godly manner. I just do not know where to start. We seem to love each other and care for each others needs, but its not enough. I have no companion in him right now. And becasue of this issue, I get upset with him often, due to him not making time for me, and choosing other things over me. I am not asking for him to make me the center of his life....just give me little of what you give everyone else around you. SO very sad for me on a daily basis and no matter how much I ask, he doesnt seem to have anything to say about it, other than I am the one with the emotional problems. Any Godly advise would be most appreciated. God be with you all. Thank you

[Debbie]

Bitter wife..I can understand your hurts and feelings. it is not an easy walk, as I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, a man too who controlled me and out of fear as he drank I allowed him to treat me badly because I did not believe I was worthy of better. But God showed me I am worthy, and I am a child of God, His child, and it was not till I saw myself through His eyes that I found freedom in Him and a love like no other. The Lord removed me from my first marriage after my ex-husband divorced me. Being co-dependent I moved back twice but a step of faith changed my whole life. He has restored the years the locusts had eaten, blessed me with a wonderful Christian man who married me with my three children. This could only be God for an almost confirmed bachelor who could play the field.. I do not have a perfect marriage as there are none, but I have a man who loves God. Having been codependent I have had to learn to hold on God, and remind myself daily only He can meet my every need. I know God is doing a work in me to make me more like Him, and at times when I feel insecure and in need of love, I draw close to our Heavenly father who can supply my every need and find security in Him. It has been an incredible journey for me to lean on Him, knowing that I need to accept the things I cannot change(the other person or situation) but change the things I can....MYSELF and how I choose to respond is my choice. There is HOPE in Him who answers prayer. May you find yourself as He heals your hurts, lean not on your own understanding but in a God who knows and can meet your every need. We truly serve an incredible God whose plans are to prosper us not to harm us and He can use all things to His good and glory for those who love and follow Him. Trust Him, pray and submit all to His will for your life and He will bless you indeed!

[Winnie]

Dear Chip,
May the Lord use you mightily there in the Los Gatos area and throughout the world. Do you have any teaching specifically addressing the issue of domestic abuse/violence, particularly within the Body of Christ? What are the underlying issues? How does God want His people to help marriages and families dealing with or recovering from domestic abuse?

[Amy]

Thank you for posting this. It's funny, I'm single, and yet I'm praying the same thing. Thank you LORD, that you meet all of my needs. God Bless

[liz]

God's message to my heart lately: "Do you know all that love you have for me? I want you to take all you have for me and i want you to take that and give it to Bryan, and i want Bryan to know how much I love him by the way you treat him.

Thanks Chip! hugs to Theresa!