Over the years, both in my marriage and in counseling with numerous couples, I have learned that most of us fall into two major categories; we are either turtles or sharks. When there is danger or conflict, turtles pull their heads into their shells, tuck in all their appendages and withdraw to a safe place. When a turtle feels threatened, the immediate response is to withdraw. This is what my wife did in the early years of our marriage. It made me absolutely crazy!
By contrast, sharks start circling their prey, looking for vulnerable areas to attack. A share feels the same insecurities and same wounds as the turtle, but to cover those feelings of fear, the shark turns instead to an “attack mode” to provide for himself or herself the same thing the turtle is seeking to achieve – protection.
So, how about you? Do you tend to be “turtle-like” or “shark-like” when conflict arises? Understanding our own “protection devices” is a very important first step toward the goal of resolving conflict in our marriage.
Let me give you a few scenarios that might help you examine whether you have more shark or turtle tendencies.
IF YOU'RE A TURTLE...
Turtles have very distinct ways of dealing with conflict, such as not speaking to their partner for hours, days or weeks. They withhold their affection. They avoid the situation by spending more time at work, or saturation their life with children and hobbies. They run home to mom, or take their hurts to a friend who will listen to their story and offer sympathy, but rarely will they deal with the problem head-on.
At times, they run to alcohol, drugs, pleasure seeking, or eating to sedate their pain. Whatever it is, they pull inside and say, “I’m not going to deal with this. This hurts too much and I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
IF YOU'RE A SHARK...
Sharks, on the other hand, tend to be verbal and want to attack. They use a variety of attack tactics, such as the following:
- The Mind Reading Game – “You only did that because you felt guilty”
- The Numbers Game – “I’m the only one trying I this relationship. I’ve done… and you never…”
- The Intellectual Manipulation Game – “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?” (This dismisses genuine emotional issues by intellectualizing them).
- The Power-Intimidation Game – Angry outbursts, screaming, door slamming, “will teach you not to cross me again.”
- The Atomic Bomb Game – “All right, let’s see how you feel when I divorce you!”
- The Labeling Humiliation Game – With arms crossed and sarcastic disdain, “You’re so stupid!” or “You’re pathetic!”
I’m sure it doesn’t take much of a reminder to see yourself in these turtle and shark scenarios; they are painful, unhealthy, and destructive attempts to resolve conflict. They don’t work! And you don’t have to be a shark or a turtle.
Your ability to work through conflict in a healthy manner WILL DETERMINE the degree of success and depth of intimacy in your marriage over the long haul.
Carefully read that above phrase again. What I am saying is this: turtle and shark techniques will simply not work. Two turtles can peacefully coexist until the marriage dries up from the inside out. Or two sharks can so attack one another, that the wounds become so deep and the bleeding and pain become so overwhelming, that the love they once shared is eventually destroyed. Or, the combination of both behaviors can produce intermittent bouts of withdrawal and attack that drain the very life and intimacy out of the even the best marriages.
So… where do we go from here? How can you, regardless of your personality, perspective, background and inherent selfish tendencies, work together through conflict? Well, it’s not easy and there’s no magic formula, but I believe God has a very clear plan to help diffuse our conflict.
We have a free video session from our small group DVD series, Five Lies That Ruin Relationships, for you to watch and share with friends called, "Diffusing Conflict, Restoring Relationships." I hope this resource will help you take the next steps in diffusing conflict in not only your marriage but in all your relationships.
Keep Pressin' Ahead,
Chip
Thank you for getting all the vital information out to the general public. I appreciate them very much. Thank you for loving God.
Posted by: Monica | September 07, 2009 at 06:25 PM